I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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