the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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