when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
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Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
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