I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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