I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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