Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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