I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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