All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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