i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
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the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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