Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
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I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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