people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
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Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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