so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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