Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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