I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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