Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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