I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
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$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
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Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
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