Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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