Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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