I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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