Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
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Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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