My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
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I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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