Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
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she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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