My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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