So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
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I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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