I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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