i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
