do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
