Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
