I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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