Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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