Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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