I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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