i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
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He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
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GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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