i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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