I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize