The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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