dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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