I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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