I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize