It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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