You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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