I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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