I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
