so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
