I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize