WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
we should paint friendship bongs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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