dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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