They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
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I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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