I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
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My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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