Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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