I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
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Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
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My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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