There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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