So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
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There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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