We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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