she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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