If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize